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środa 21 stycznia

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05:00
Tinu - Seriously, the rims on the Caddy limo? Them's 22s. Tinu Abayomi-Paul
Seriously, the rims on the Caddy limo? Them's 22s.
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05:04
DieLaughing - Confidence is sexy unless you suck at singing a… J. Adam Moore
Confidence is sexy unless you suck at singing and they audition you in front of the American Idol judges.
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05:11
apelad - Further correction: Zero Mostel for Dogs. Adam Koford
Further correction: Zero Mostel for Dogs.
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05:11
SeoulBrother - Check it out, yo! President Obama is dancing. A… SeoulBrother
Check it out, yo! President Obama is dancing. AAAWWWW! HE JUST BUSTED 'THE STEREOTYPE.' You just got served.
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05:15
Jessabelle2o7 - @weselec Senator Brownback, Señor Sanchez, it'… Jessica
@weselec Senator Brownback, Señor Sanchez, it's funny how we all have different names for it.
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05:18
trelvix - @Jessabelle2o7 Señor Sanchez? I don't know abo… Trelvix
@Jessabelle2o7 Señor Sanchez? I don't know about that guy. He plays dirty.
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05:20
giromide - President Obama, in case things get really toug… Derek Giromini
President Obama, in case things get really tough, there is always money in the banana stand.
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05:25
AprilSTL - "AMERICA. Fuck Yeah." AprilSTL
"AMERICA. Fuck Yeah."
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05:30
hodgman - All my worries about Warren were wiped away by … hodgman
All my worries about Warren were wiped away by Stewart's bishop/queen banter on TDS. First great open laugh of the new dimension.
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05:33
eoporto - They are so adorably in love. I bet she says Ye… Elizabeth Oporto
They are so adorably in love. I bet she says Yes Please Mr. President in the very near future.
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05:36
AprilSTL - My 7yr old son kindly reminded me that not only… AprilSTL
My 7yr old son kindly reminded me that not only is there a new President in the white house, but there is new wife too. And she's pretty.
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05:38
Mike_FTW - Anderson Cooper is juggling balls like a pro to… Rear Adm. Monteiro
Anderson Cooper is juggling balls like a pro tonight.
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05:40
strutting - I've been thinking, and I don't know that ILF a… Jay Hathaway
I've been thinking, and I don't know that ILF any M's, actually.
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05:43
badbanana - We are heading into bleak economic times. Espec… Tim Siedell
We are heading into bleak economic times. Especially if you're Lee Greenwood.
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05:59
erikprice - Okay, Internet porn. Whudduya say you and I hit… Erik Price
Okay, Internet porn. Whudduya say you and I hit the hay?
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06:07
TBMimsTheThird - I am saddened to hear that Dick Cheney didn't u… Tappy McGee
I am saddened to hear that Dick Cheney didn't unveil his True Lizard Self. Or at least spontaneously combust. Can't win them all.
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06:08
EffingBoring - Guys @strutting is here and he is just saying h… Rachel
Guys @strutting is here and he is just saying his tweets aloud.
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06:09
franktheguy - It's official, I'm terrible at dating women. Wh… franktheguy
It's official, I'm terrible at dating women. What's up dudes?
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06:17
luckyshirt - Hey, @secrettweet. I REALLY hope I have the Twi… luckyshirt
Hey, @secrettweet. I REALLY hope I have the TwitterGirls dream again. I was SO. CLOSE. Took same wine/Tylenol PM ratio as last time. Night!
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06:26
mojomaywood - I'd probably pass on The Lucille Ball. I heard … Mr. Maywood
I'd probably pass on The Lucille Ball. I heard it's pretty dead. Too soon?
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06:33
MODAT - I'm going to call off the gangbang. You guys sc… Modat
I'm going to call off the gangbang. You guys scare the shit out of me. I will save some of these DMs for the police...or to blackmail.
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06:40
phyllisstein - At this very moment, in a Crawford bedroom, a l… Daniel Shannon
At this very moment, in a Crawford bedroom, a limp dick is rubbing up on a stiff lady. Somewhere, the makers of Viagra and Valium drool.
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06:44
baileygenine - I'd like to thank my shoes for the fart sound t… bailey
I'd like to thank my shoes for the fart sound they made in class today, as if being late didn't draw enough attention on it's own.
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06:45
tehawesome - Casual acquaintance: You're going home at 10:30… Henry Birdseye
Casual acquaintance: You're going home at 10:30? Don't be a pussy.
Me: It's fucking Tuesday. Eat a dick.
(Sometimes I am extra delightful.)
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06:48
Rayke - I don't "go" to second base. I fucking *live* o… Ryan Drake
I don't "go" to second base. I fucking *live* on second base.
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06:50
BrentSpiner - Geeks and nerds will save the planet. Goodnight. Brent Spiner
Geeks and nerds will save the planet. Goodnight.
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07:02
al3x - In the high school of programming languages, Ru… Alex Payne
In the high school of programming languages, Ruby is the quirky, smart, artsy kid that just can't get his shit together.
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07:06
SeoulBrother - Had lunch by myself at a lunch counter today. I… SeoulBrother
Had lunch by myself at a lunch counter today. I had the chicken pot pie. It had the sneaking suspicion that I'd rather sit at a table.
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07:19
DieLaughing - My stomach is inaugurating a 40oz. J. Adam Moore
My stomach is inaugurating a 40oz.
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07:46
kimproper - I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar at 1:45… Kim G.
I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar at 1:45am. I'd rather you didn't know, but I think we're past that point.
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07:47
weselec - My wife just described the plot of the Twilight… weselec
My wife just described the plot of the Twilight series to me and it sounds really interesting and also I wish I was dead.
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07:52
jimray - "You know, *we* should do a podcast." [She laug… Jim Ray
"You know, *we* should do a podcast." [She laughs the rest of the drive home]
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07:52
BrilliantOrange - Based on my bio, I'm getting some religious fol… C.m. Velazquez
Based on my bio, I'm getting some religious followers. So not only do we need SCIENCE, but also some BASIC FUCKING READING COMPREHENSION.
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08:00
Mike_FTW - If you're in front of iMovie splicing together … Rear Adm. Monteiro
If you're in front of iMovie splicing together instances of Anderson Cooper saying "balls" please DM me. No reason to duplicate effort.
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08:10
luckyshirt - Hey. What's up, boddy pillow? What. Is. Up. luckyshirt
Hey. What's up, boddy pillow? What. Is. Up.
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08:24
secretsquirrel - Insomnia remains my least favourite omnia. Ryan
Insomnia remains my least favourite omnia.
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08:45
sokeri - Dear Facebook: yes, I might know the CEO of the… sarah k
Dear Facebook: yes, I might know the CEO of the company that laid me off in October. No, we don't want to be friends so stop suggesting it.
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09:22
nick - Commercials are WEIRD Nick Douglas
Commercials are WEIRD
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09:29
Aimee_B_Loved - Everything I know about pooping in public restr… Aimee Brock
Everything I know about pooping in public restrooms, I learned from @twoname.
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10:20
Aimee_B_Loved - If someone's Facebook relationship status chang… Aimee Brock
If someone's Facebook relationship status changes more than 3 times day, his or her page should automatically be turned into a Myspace page.
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10:38
johnroderick - I don't want anyone trying to take responsibili… johnroderick
I don't want anyone trying to take responsibility for my happiness. I don't even want them talking to my happiness through a closed door.
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10:54
vmarinelli - Confession: I banked some sex tweets during the… Victoria Marinelli
Confession: I banked some sex tweets during the Inauguration, as their excess would have been unseemly. (You could say I spank banked them.)
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11:11
sniffyjenkins - Obama suspended Guantanamo tribunals while he w… Justine Kilkerr
Obama suspended Guantanamo tribunals while he was at a friggin *ball*. He'll no doubt whip the economy into shape from the basketball court.
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11:16
abigvictory - Dreamed that God showed up, told me I suck and … Michele
Dreamed that God showed up, told me I suck and my punishment was that I could never have an orgasm again. What a fucking nightmare.
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11:41
secretsquirrel - There is no greater sign that you would not hav… Ryan
There is no greater sign that you would not have have survived the Prehistoric Era than when you get a nosebleed while pooping.
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11:49
sniffyjenkins - Today's forecast is sleepy with a 30% risk of h… Justine Kilkerr
Today's forecast is sleepy with a 30% risk of heavy sighs. The North can expect intermittent outbreaks of pandiculation throughout the day.
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11:52
secretsquirrel - There is no greater sign that you would not hav… Ryan
There is no greater sign that you would not have survived the Prehistoric Era than when you get a nosebleed while pooping.
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12:00
LILWAYNESWORLD - ... are we just going to pretend like aretha fr… aimee n.
... are we just going to pretend like aretha franklin's hat didn't happen?
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12:08
abigvictory - Finally saw Aretha's hat. Dude, it's BEDAZZLED!… Michele
Finally saw Aretha's hat. Dude, it's BEDAZZLED! It's the Awesome Hat! I am totally sending her my Awesome Belt.
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12:15
abigvictory - "I only like first evolution Pokemon."
"They ha… Michele
"I only like first evolution Pokemon."
"They have to get hard ass if they want to survive."
A 6am conversation between 2 adults.
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12:16
expat_erin - You want to sleep on the couch? Fine, but I'm g… Erin
You want to sleep on the couch? Fine, but I'm going to bed, where your big toe doesn't come in contact w/ my butthole unless we plan on it.
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12:19
eyeteegee - I always work the Hungarian capital Budapest in… iain.i.am
I always work the Hungarian capital Budapest into conversation and pronounce it Budapesch. Others marvel at my cosmopolitanishiness.
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12:39
stephenfry - L=50 in Roman. The best tweet containing exactl… Stephen Fry
L=50 in Roman. The best tweet containing exactly 50 Ls will win. All tweets to contain the tag #L and none to exceed 140 character limit SF
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12:43
tj - If I'm ever elected president, remind me not to… Tj
If I'm ever elected president, remind me not to have some douche bag lead me through the oath by asking me to repeat 3 sentences at a time.
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12:51
sween - Realization: I have had to spell more out loud … Jason Sweeney
Realization: I have had to spell more out loud since I got married than I did through all of elementary school.
And at much greater volume.
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13:02
sniffyjenkins - Tried to cheer up a colleague who returned, num… Justine Kilkerr
Tried to cheer up a colleague who returned, numb, from dentist. Note to self: pureed Jaffa Cakes aren't as good an idea as they may seem.
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13:03
johnroderick - I'm writing a Sci-Fi screenplay in which the Pr… johnroderick
I'm writing a Sci-Fi screenplay in which the President of the USA is a populist cowboy who doesn't value learning or science. It's a comedy.
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13:06
LILWAYNESWORLD - i'd like siegfried & roy shows more if they wer… aimee n.
i'd like siegfried & roy shows more if they were siegfried & freud shows. "masters of the impossible? more like masters of your ... mom."
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13:11
LILWAYNESWORLD - in honor of president obama, ive organized a no… aimee n.
in honor of president obama, ive organized a nonprofit called "fellate the nation" - more to come later (no pun intended)
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13:42
adamisacson - Washington's upper crust is sleeping in after a… Adam Isacson
Washington's upper crust is sleeping in after a night of inaugural balls. Shall we crank the bass and drive slowly through Georgetown?
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13:44
adtothebone - If the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is th… Clayton Hove
If the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is that he's the only one, the poor fella must hafta bounce his own bone.
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13:46
sniffyjenkins - Colleague just got a tattered letter. She: ‘E… Justine Kilkerr
Colleague just got a tattered letter. She: ‘Ew, what's that all over it?’. Me: ‘Jizz?’ **long silence** I'll be firing my mouth later today.
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13:54
trelvix - "Danger" is my middle name. My first name is "D… Trelvix
"Danger" is my middle name. My first name is "Drowsy" though.
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13:54
seanhussey - Sore throat. Pinkeye kid woke up 3 times. 2 hou… Sean Hussein Hussey
Sore throat. Pinkeye kid woke up 3 times. 2 hours sleep for me.
Less than 24 hours in, the Obama administration is a complete disaster.
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14:00
trelvix - "Danger" is my middle name. My first name is "D… Trelvix
"Danger" is my middle name. My first name is "Drowsy" though.
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14:01
adtothebone - People who watch A&E sure seem to need a lot of… Clayton Hove
People who watch A&E sure seem to need a lot of prescription medications.
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14:04
sween - I have never used a dishcloth that absorbed so … Jason Sweeney
I have never used a dishcloth that absorbed so much water. I just wrang it dry and Ed Harris fell out.
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14:07
diplix - „und was hast du damals gemacht?“ „zivild… felix schwenzel
„und was hast du damals gemacht?“ „zivildienstleistender für individuelle schwerst-nerd-betreuung im support-bereich bei strato.“
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14:07
awryone - Jack Nicklaus is 69 today. That's still 3 unde… Josh Donoghue
Jack Nicklaus is 69 today. That's still 3 under par.
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14:26
Tony_D - This dark roast is so smoky, it might as well b… Tony Delgrosso
This dark roast is so smoky, it might as well be bacon.
(you see what I did there?)
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14:30
trelvix - I understand that he continued to work the inau… Trelvix
I understand that he continued to work the inaugural balls well past midnight against the advice of his fairy godmother.
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14:33
joeschmitt - I don't care what anyone says. My alarm gives t… Joe Schmitt
I don't care what anyone says. My alarm gives the best snooze. 3rd time it calls the boss to say I'm not coming in my best sick voice.
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14:37
secretsquirrel - Being told that they've taught chimps to use ke… Ryan
Being told that they've taught chimps to use keyboards is just what you don't want to hear prior to a date with someone you met online.
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14:38
kariedwards - Yes, I realise I drove all the way to school to… Kari Edwards
Yes, I realise I drove all the way to school today, but since it's really cold out I think I'm gonna sit in my warm car all day instead.
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15:09
clapifyoulikeme - What kind of person calls someone at 8:50am wit… Abby Spice
What kind of person calls someone at 8:50am without first checking email in case said someone is SLEEPING and doesn't want to be disturbed??
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15:11
SarahInMI - Apparently, Obama's change DOESN'T include stop… Sarah
Apparently, Obama's change DOESN'T include stopping porn-y spam Twitter followers with webcams. Oh well, it's only his first week.
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15:14
haavoc - On strike in order to get job security. So, you… Mike Mazza
On strike in order to get job security. So, you stopped working to convince your boss to hire you full time. Uh.. what?
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15:15
LILWAYNESWORLD - thank god billy mays hasn't been effected by th… aimee n.
thank god billy mays hasn't been effected by the recession
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15:16
adamisacson - I am so going to drop it like it's hot at this … Adam Isacson
I am so going to drop it like it's hot at this policy workshop this morning.
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15:18
badbanana - Ted Kennedy is alert, laughing, and already bac… Tim Siedell
Ted Kennedy is alert, laughing, and already back to helping nephews avoid convictions.
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15:19
nonlinearmind - Obama, I expect a 15% bump in my iPhone batter… Jon C
Obama, I expect a 15% bump in my iPhone battery life in the first 100 days of your administration. Don't care if it comes from dirty coal.
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15:23
nonlinearmind - My client is being unusually nice to me this mo… Jon C
My client is being unusually nice to me this morning. This obviously means they have plans to euthanize me this afternoon.
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15:27
HotAmishChick - Hrrrrrk... pancake coma... whaddidimiss??... Ac… HotAmishChick
Hrrrrrk... pancake coma... whaddidimiss??... Ack! Where's my bonnet?? WHERE'S MY BONNET??!?
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15:29
katkuhl - I've unknowingly insulted someone's mother and … Kat
I've unknowingly insulted someone's mother and it's not even 9:30 yet. I'm clearly on top of my game today.
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15:30
msteciuk - The ability to wake up and walk out the door in… Maggie Steciuk
The ability to wake up and walk out the door in 5 mins is a gift, but one which my coworkers would probably rather not receive EVERY morning
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15:39
frostinglickr - Pro Tip: It takes 18 seconds to snopes somethi… TTFKA@missamymac
Pro Tip: It takes 18 seconds to snopes something before you make an asshole out of yourself to your address book.
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15:43
abigvictory - Laugh and the world laughs with you. Until you … Michele
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Until you spill coffee all over your desk. Then they laugh AT you.
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15:45
sniffyjenkins - Just seen the first snowdrops in the woods. I l… Justine Kilkerr
Just seen the first snowdrops in the woods. I love snowdrops. Pretty little fuckers.
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15:46
zuhl - Fine, MPAA. I'll cop to BitTorrenting "The Dark… Jon Deal
Fine, MPAA. I'll cop to BitTorrenting "The Dark Knight," but is there *any* way we can keep my "Mama Mia!" download out of the proceedings?
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15:50
sween - My pockets are getting too full. I think I'm go… Jason Sweeney
My pockets are getting too full. I think I'm going to need to get a purse.
Awww, who am I kidding? I'll never fit a purse in these pockets.
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15:51
abigvictory - PMA: You say Positive Mental Attitude. I say Po… Michele
PMA: You say Positive Mental Attitude. I say Possible Machine gun Assault. Which could really be the same thing.
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15:53
vmarinelli - Pro Tip: It's not "nose picking" if what you're… Victoria Marinelli
Pro Tip: It's not "nose picking" if what you're trying to get at is an undiagnosed skin condition rather than actual boogers. [1,128]
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15:57
sloganeerist - It's hard to recall a time when 90% of my morni… JT Dobbs
It's hard to recall a time when 90% of my morning ritual wasn't dedicated to applying various creams, ointments and salves.
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15:57
gordonshumway - 91-year-old Senator Robert C. Byrd has apparent… gordonshumway
91-year-old Senator Robert C. Byrd has apparently recovered from a fainting episode yesterday, triggered by horseless carriages & progress.
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16:00
krabigail - I can't wait for this week to be over so I can … Abby T. Miller
I can't wait for this week to be over so I can go back to having the time to tweet about inane shit again
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16:00
tj - Lost among the other news: last night marked th… Tj
Lost among the other news: last night marked the first time ever a black woman willingly had sex with the President in the Whitehouse.
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16:02
CcSteff - I love my live-in boyfriend but what I really n… Stephanie
I love my live-in boyfriend but what I really need is a live-in girlfriend to point out the dried snot on my sweater before I leave for work
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16:06
Hella - I just saw a cop on a horse pull over a car. Sh… Mike Dudemeister
I just saw a cop on a horse pull over a car. Shine on, Texas.
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16:06
giromide - "Join my network on LinkedIn" is just shorthand… Derek Giromini
"Join my network on LinkedIn" is just shorthand for "add another path for the recruiter solicitation graph algorithm."
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16:09
giromide - And the wind. Cries. Bacon. Derek Giromini
And the wind. Cries. Bacon.
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16:10
frageelay - Beyonce sure ain't no Etta James. frageelay
Beyonce sure ain't no Etta James.
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16:11
aedison - Transformers don't turn into Easy Bake Ovens. D… Avery Edison
Transformers don't turn into Easy Bake Ovens. Despite claiming to love peace, Optimus Prime would rather fight than do something *useful*.
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16:14
Just_Alison - I've been knocking stuff over lately. When our … Alison Agosti
I've been knocking stuff over lately. When our old dog did that, turned out he had a brain tumor & Dad said Max was going on a long vacation
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16:19
texburgher - What a relief, now that Obama's president, to k… Geoff Barnes
What a relief, now that Obama's president, to know I'll never be disappointed again.
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16:21
rstevens - Stopping to collaborate and listen never got an… rstevens
Stopping to collaborate and listen never got any real work done.
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16:22
MamitaMojita - Garage door is broken.→Car is inside & can't … MamitaMojita
Garage door is broken.→Car is inside & can't get out.→Stay inside & be unproductive.=Like any other day but now excuse to be drunk by noon!
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16:28
pagecrusher - I've spent so much time masturbating, I'm now a… Simon Goetz
I've spent so much time masturbating, I'm now aroused by ceilings.
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16:31
haavoc - Hey, thanks for throwing-up during that confere… Mike Mazza
Hey, thanks for throwing-up during that conference call. Helped send the message home. I can't bleach my ears, eh?
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16:36
LILWAYNESWORLD - oops. i accidentally chose hope over fear when … aimee n.
oops. i accidentally chose hope over fear when i really meant to choose you, pikachu.
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16:40
luckyshirt - If you're not following @emzbulletproof, you sh… luckyshirt
If you're not following @emzbulletproof, you should be. This tree across from her place is HUGE. You'll all fit. Hurry before she gets home.
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16:46
sokeri - Everything I know about casual desperation I le… sarah k
Everything I know about casual desperation I learned from Adam & the Ants. I am dreaming these now. I kind of hate you people.
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16:48
sween - Nah nah nah. Yer problem here is yer drillin in… Jason Sweeney
Nah nah nah. Yer problem here is yer drillin into the stone wall right outside my window. Here. Right in my eye. Yeah. Better. Much better.
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16:51
redrabbit - Ass kickery, name takery. Erica Minton
Ass kickery, name takery.
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17:19
jonathancoulton - Have to pick up something at Guantanamo - does … Jonathan Coulton
Have to pick up something at Guantanamo - does anyone know if they are open today?
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17:20
rafitorres - The trouble with being a member of Nickelback i… Rafael Torres
The trouble with being a member of Nickelback is that even if you sell millions, you're still a member. Of Nickelback.
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17:21
badbanana - Embracing hope over fear. For example, I hope t… Tim Siedell
Embracing hope over fear. For example, I hope to overcome my fear of eating human flesh after the coming economic apocalypse.
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17:25
thedayhascome - To whoever gets my old work computer, the Mr. Y… Josh Hopkins
To whoever gets my old work computer, the Mr. Yuck sticker on the keyboard is there for your safety. Please plan accordingly.
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17:27
superfantastic - Now that all of the high schoolers have iPods, … superfantastic
Now that all of the high schoolers have iPods, they no longer sing on the bus. I love technology.
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17:30
Jessabelle2o7 - I am marinating in this woman's armpit and bari… Jessica
I am marinating in this woman's armpit and barilla stench. Some of my organs are shutting down.
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17:30
emilybrianna - Deleting the texts on my phone. Because if I di… Emily
Deleting the texts on my phone. Because if I die, I don't need people recalling my fondness for jokes about inaugural balls (GET IT, BALLS)
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17:31
bcompton - I'm really happy about all of this optimism, be… Ben Compton
I'm really happy about all of this optimism, because for too long you rainy-day pessimists have been obscuring my more profound unhappiness.
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17:31
Kalli - If I had to describe how I look just now I'd sa… Karl Gunnarsson
If I had to describe how I look just now I'd say "bemulleted surrender".
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17:33
Kalli - There were *four* horsemen of the apocalypse, r… Karl Gunnarsson
There were *four* horsemen of the apocalypse, right? My mom is on Facebook now, anybody seen the other three?
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17:34
aedison - Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wing… Avery Edison
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But there are more bells than angels, and those extra wings are really counter-productive.
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17:34
chockenberry - DONT TELL @GRUBER BUT MERLIN HAS LUXIOURUS HAIR… ʎɹɹəquəʞɔoɥ ƃıɐɹɔ
DONT TELL @GRUBER BUT MERLIN HAS LUXIOURUS HAIR AND IF THIS AVATER DOESNT GET ME ON FAVRD I WILL QUIT TWITTER AND CHOCKLOCK ON WINDOWS
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17:40
phyllisstein - History Fact: Bush's first act was to meet with… Daniel Shannon
History Fact: Bush's first act was to meet with White House Counsel to ask whether "Li'l W" could Constitutionally be renamed "Vice W."
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17:42
sween - Every time I use the word "va-jay-jay", I grow … Jason Sweeney
Every time I use the word "va-jay-jay", I grow one.
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17:45
gretchasketch - Today would be a lot more exciting if I was int… Gretchen Alice
Today would be a lot more exciting if I was into Lost.
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17:46
zeldman - I understand CSS3, but Quicken still baffles me. Jeffrey Zeldman
I understand CSS3, but Quicken still baffles me.
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17:53
nick - OMG guys @officialpeta got back to me. Having a… Nick Douglas
OMG guys @officialpeta got back to me. Having a celebratory bacon burger.
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17:57
pheend - Getting a new car stereo installed today. Final… pheend
Getting a new car stereo installed today. Finally can enjoy the deep thumping beats of All Things Considered as it was intended.
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17:57
MODAT - There was a dramatic shift in the exchange of b… Modat
There was a dramatic shift in the exchange of body fluids last night. To help illustrate, we've created this nation-sized ShamWow...
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18:01
CcSteff - Mistook a clove of garlic for a mushroom. Now g… Stephanie
Mistook a clove of garlic for a mushroom. Now garlic-breath can accompany me and snot-stain to my job interview.
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18:04
giromide - Tonight is the season premiere of Lost, or, as … Derek Giromini
Tonight is the season premiere of Lost, or, as my wife calls it, Shirtless Sawyer Sextravaganza.
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18:06
ironicsans - Rumor: Dell's new netbook only opens 40°, is m… David Friedman
Rumor: Dell's new netbook only opens 40°, is made of corn, and comes filled w/ ground beef and shredded lettuce. To be called the Dell Taco.
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18:08
textism - Apparently ‘but it’s such a rural cliché… Dean Cameron Allen
Apparently ‘but it’s such a rural cliché’ holds no sway at all when being asked to chop firewood.
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18:10
Kalli - I have two possible explanations for new follow… Karl Gunnarsson
I have two possible explanations for new followers: Either New Age folks are worried about Icelandic elves or dick jokes are the new black.
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18:15
mayjah - Ain't no drama like a teen girl drama, cause a … Melissa
Ain't no drama like a teen girl drama, cause a teen girl drama don't stop.
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18:17
pheend - I would utilize prostitutes more often if they … pheend
I would utilize prostitutes more often if they charged by the pound.
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18:19
trelvix - You know when I said, "The spork is the mullet … Trelvix
You know when I said, "The spork is the mullet of the utensil drawer?" Yeah? Well that's not technically a compliment in the North. Sorry.
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18:22
luckyshirt - Wait, "penultimate" means "NEXT TO LAST"?! I th… luckyshirt
Wait, "penultimate" means "NEXT TO LAST"?! I thought it was a portmanteau! LAZY TWEET: How do you unsend email and erase the internet?
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18:24
Aimee_B_Loved - Sweet action! I just got an offer for 25% off o… Aimee Brock
Sweet action! I just got an offer for 25% off of any body hair waxing via a MySpace message. For more information, contact I.C. Beavers.
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18:28
Remiel - Alarm clocks that happily let you choose a PM w… Remiel Classic™
Alarm clocks that happily let you choose a PM wake-up time should be as uncommon as left-handed scissors. Or at least ask "Are you sure?"
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18:28
Moltz - If we're still talking about the "oath of offic… John Moltz
If we're still talking about the "oath of office controversy" come June, we'll deserve to be subsisting on cardboard and cockroaches.
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18:30
twoname - That one. two name jenkins
That one.
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18:33
Jessabelle2o7 - LOST SPOILER ALERT: We will learn tonight that … Jessica
LOST SPOILER ALERT: We will learn tonight that the Smoke Monster is actually a frenzied mass of very angry and sexually confused tiny owls.
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18:38
emilybrianna - NYer describes Scrabble maniacs as "wonkish mis… Emily
NYer describes Scrabble maniacs as "wonkish misfits w/ awesome powers of recall" & I quickly calculate the point value of "wonkish" on a TW.
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18:39
haavoc - "Ontario ban on smoking in cars with kids takes… Mike Mazza
"Ontario ban on smoking in cars with kids takes effect" - Yes, wait until you get home and you can hot-box them all you want.
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18:40
michael_bay - What part of "Kobe Beef Sloppy Joe" are you hav… michael_bay
What part of "Kobe Beef Sloppy Joe" are you having trouble understanding?
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18:42
Aimee_B_Loved - If the Wayans brothers can play white girls, I … Aimee Brock
If the Wayans brothers can play white girls, I don't know why Neil Patrick Harris can't play Obama in a biopic.
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18:45
twoname - Hey so why are the white dudes still on all the… two name jenkins
Hey so why are the white dudes still on all the money?
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18:58
EffingBoring - PETA pisses me off in the same way the Democrat… Rachel
PETA pisses me off in the same way the Democratic party does: a good message, a chance to make real change, and heads firmly up their asses.
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19:02
badbanana - The lack of logic in this email makes me want t… Tim Siedell
The lack of logic in this email makes me want to fly off to my third moon of solitude on a giant space butterfly. Literally.
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19:13
siracusa - When I ask for a Sprite and the waitress respon… John Siracusa
When I ask for a Sprite and the waitress responds with, "Sierra Mist okay?" I feel like there's been some kind of fundamental failure.
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19:19
nonlinearmind - Followers: Our plan is no longer to castrate ou… Jon C
Followers: Our plan is no longer to castrate ourselves & ride in a UFO behind a comet. The new plan is more sitting-around-playing-Wii-ish.
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19:20
vmarinelli - PROCRASTIBATING AS USALLY. Victoria Marinelli
PROCRASTIBATING AS USALLY.
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19:21
cwalken - Ashton Kutcher. That's his name. He pushed Obam… Chris Walken
Ashton Kutcher. That's his name. He pushed Obama over the top just as he singlehandedly inspired a generation to wear scarves needlessly.
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19:21
HotAmishChick - I DON'T KNOW WHO HARRISON FORD IS so I CAN'T in… HotAmishChick
I DON'T KNOW WHO HARRISON FORD IS so I CAN'T introduce you to him or Calista-
What?
You said her name.
No?
THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!
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19:21
tj - Wednesday! Hump 'em if you got 'em. Tj
Wednesday! Hump 'em if you got 'em.
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19:27
krabigail - Mobile Internet was made for toilet tweeting. Abby T. Miller
Mobile Internet was made for toilet tweeting.
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19:31
ahtitan - Most neurosis inducing avatar compliment ever: … Jeff Spencer
Most neurosis inducing avatar compliment ever: "Wow. You look really good tiny like that."
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19:38
nonlinearmind - Appletards, which Mac model will you be jerking… Jon C
Appletards, which Mac model will you be jerking off over on the 25th anniversery this weekend. Me? PowerBook 140. Gonna open her wide and...
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19:41
rands - Ambition is hope staring at the impossible with… rands
Ambition is hope staring at the impossible with a devious grin whispering 'bring it'.
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19:43
baileygenine - i have like, $17 in gold coins. i wonder how ma… bailey
i have like, $17 in gold coins. i wonder how many people think i'm from a group of pilates.
#pirates/pilates
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19:50
sween - Every day I see it and every day I have to tell… Jason Sweeney
Every day I see it and every day I have to tell myself: "Don't play with the emergency defibrillator."
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19:52
DieLaughing - Oh, nevermind. I totally kick ass at Rock Band … J. Adam Moore
Oh, nevermind. I totally kick ass at Rock Band if I turn the sound all the way off.
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19:55
fireland - That's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever aba… Joshua Green Allen
That's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever abandoned.
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19:59
SeoulBrother - I'm kidding myself into thinking I'm still "str… SeoulBrother
I'm kidding myself into thinking I'm still "street" because I refrain from using the term "consumerizarion."
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19:59
trelvix - I get it. You hate the design of my blog. Let t… Trelvix
I get it. You hate the design of my blog. Let the record show that this is the face I make when pretending to care what you think. Familiar?
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19:59
vmarinelli - Pro Tip: Having your husband follow all three o… Victoria Marinelli
Pro Tip: Having your husband follow all three of your Twitter accounts* is REALLY awkward.
/* the ones he knows about, anyway.
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20:00
SeoulBrother - It's still "street" to use air quotes, right? SeoulBrother
It's still "street" to use air quotes, right?
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20:00
joeschmidt - 9yo son: That was cool yesterday when President… Joe Schmidt
9yo son: That was cool yesterday when President Bush flew off in that helicopter at the end.
Me: You have no idea.
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20:02
pagecrusher - The Norman Public Library is in desperate need … Simon Goetz
The Norman Public Library is in desperate need of a makeover. Evidence: their logo is a burning book.
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20:23
badkitty_ - How to solve the Canadian Goose problem: Provid… badkitty
How to solve the Canadian Goose problem: Provide each goose with a shiv, a tiny switchblade & a tiny pistol. Make it like Geese Fight Club.
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20:25
steelopus - An unfortunately large number of people are goi… Steve Lopez
An unfortunately large number of people are going to be shocked when they hear of Chuck Norris dying in a very unmacho and mortal manner.
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20:27
giromide - Put a Funyun on it.
Is this a thing? Derek Giromini
Put a Funyun on it.
Is this a thing?
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20:29
giromide - Just realized that Obama will probably be the f… Derek Giromini
Just realized that Obama will probably be the first President since Kennedy whose picture will adorn a modest percentage of dens.
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20:30
bigrballsthanu - I just sent a text using the word 'your' instea… AJ
I just sent a text using the word 'your' instead of 'you're'. I hate myself.
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20:30
apelad - An inversion has settled over the Wasatch Front… Adam Koford
An inversion has settled over the Wasatch Front. Parents are encouraged keep their children inside due to poor air quality & gigantic bats.
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20:33
frageelay - Explained MLK to 6 y.o., that people w/dark ski… frageelay
Explained MLK to 6 y.o., that people w/dark skin couldn't vote or eat in restaurants w/ light-skinned people. His look of disdain=priceless.
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20:33
joeschmitt - People said if I voted for Obama I'd drunk the … Joe Schmitt
People said if I voted for Obama I'd drunk the Kool-Aid. Hello! I'm still waiting for my Kool-Aid.
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20:33
frageelay - He thought that was the dumbest thing he'd ever… frageelay
He thought that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard of, to treat people differently because of skin color. Smart kid.
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20:35
frageelay - @crispycracka I'd want eat you even MORE. Wait;… frageelay
@crispycracka I'd want eat you even MORE. Wait; did I say that out loud?
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20:36
msteciuk - Telling you that my Xmas tree is still up is no… Maggie Steciuk
Telling you that my Xmas tree is still up is nowhere near as funny as it's gonna be in July, and I've got my eye on that Leaderboard, so...
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20:36
squibble - I need to hump something, otherwise today is wa… Stephen
I need to hump something, otherwise today is wasted.
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20:37
sniffyjenkins - If I’m ever going to become a true hipster I… Justine Kilkerr
If I’m ever going to become a true hipster I’m going to have to stop grinning. That & wearing parsley in my teeth.
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20:37
MODAT - What did the friendly fish call the geese from … Modat
What did the friendly fish call the geese from US Airways Flight 1549? Chum.
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20:41
detweiler - The best thing about having my work email forwa… Detweiler, Brian
The best thing about having my work email forwarded to Gmail is, I now have *two* places to ignore it!
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20:45
AprilSTL - There's a 45 yr-old man in my class that just c… AprilSTL
There's a 45 yr-old man in my class that just complained about someone not telling him what he needed to do. His new name is Nancy.
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20:51
FarkerPeaceboy - Dunno if it's coincidence or fashion trend, but… FarkerPeaceboy
Dunno if it's coincidence or fashion trend, but I'm noticing a lot more people today wearing hats with big-ass bows like Aretha's yesterday.
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20:55
DieLaughing - I need more motivation in life. Not enough peop… J. Adam Moore
I need more motivation in life. Not enough people are out to get me.
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21:02
InsoOutso - Saw an ex today. Laughed at the sight of her, o… J Thornburg
Saw an ex today. Laughed at the sight of her, only to hear my muffled giggle bounce back to me from the walls of her cavernous vagina.
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21:02
FarkerPeaceboy - I appreciate that Obama got right down to busin… FarkerPeaceboy
I appreciate that Obama got right down to business today but I would have understood if he spent the first 10 minutes twirling in his chair.
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21:04
adamisacson - That Grande Drip had so much caffeine in it, I'… Adam Isacson
That Grande Drip had so much caffeine in it, I'm now hearing myself say things like "Grande Drip" without irony.
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21:05
steelopus - Chuck Norris choked to death on some fruit sala… Steve Lopez
Chuck Norris choked to death on some fruit salad. He tried to wash it down with some Diet Fresca, to no avail. (@travis) #chuckdied
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21:05
cleversimon - Doing my Tech Writing homework shirtless, blast… Simon Crowley
Doing my Tech Writing homework shirtless, blasting Amanda Palmer’s solo album, chugging Diet Coke. I am so awesome I can’t even stand it.
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21:06
joeschmitt - I've checked every channel & can't find when to… Joe Schmitt
I've checked every channel & can't find when today's parade starts. Aren't we having parades every day under the Obama administration?
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21:15
KatyDidSays - Lady, are you kidding me with those sunglasses?… Katie Fish
Lady, are you kidding me with those sunglasses? - Me, to myself in the rearview mirror.
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21:19
squibble - I'm seriously making good progress on this 3/4 … Stephen
I'm seriously making good progress on this 3/4 pound bag of powdered donuts. I have a dream, indeed.
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21:20
SeoulBrother - "Start with great ingredients." -Abraham Lincoln SeoulBrother
"Start with great ingredients." -Abraham Lincoln
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21:23
abigvictory - twitpic.com/15kv3 inne wpisy na ten temat - WIN Michele
twitpic.com/15kv3 inne wpisy na ten temat - WIN
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21:24
shoesonwrong - Cat, I'm still not impressed by your butthole. … Annie
Cat, I'm still not impressed by your butthole. And it's like, the 17th time you've shown it to me at close range today. Get new material.
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21:28
trelvix - "I just crapped so hard the room went blurry an… Trelvix
"I just crapped so hard the room went blurry and my tatts faded." You understand that I had no choice but to hire her on the spot, right?
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21:28
ShuffShuff - Where, iTunes, did you get the idea that the ge… ShuffShuff
Where, iTunes, did you get the idea that the genre for my Arabic-learning CD's was Alternative and Punk?
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21:33
textism - Sorry, are you happy to see me or is that psych… Dean Cameron Allen
Sorry, are you happy to see me or is that psycho PMS bitchface twinkie defense whoot whoot look out soldier?
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21:35
smartasshat - @shoesonwrong "A cat's butthole looks like a pe… ʇɐɥs sɐ ʇɹɐɯs
@shoesonwrong "A cat's butthole looks like a pencil sharpener. They make the same sound when you put it in, too." - Mitch Hedberg
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21:36
whlteXbread - Never underestimate an engineer's ability to un… Andreww Catellier
Never underestimate an engineer's ability to underestimate your grasp on a topic which you know nothing about.
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21:41
Jessabelle2o7 - My face is haunted! Jessica
My face is haunted!
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21:42
Moltz - My first computer was your mom. John Moltz
My first computer was your mom.
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21:44
CcSteff - Oh, this bruise? It's from when my foot slipped… Stephanie
Oh, this bruise? It's from when my foot slipped off the toilet flusher and I took a header into the bathroom wall.
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21:53
yowhatsthehaps - Oh, you picked the wrong day to fuck around wit… Sarah!
Oh, you picked the wrong day to fuck around with my font choices, Microsoft Word. I'm feeling feisty.
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21:53
strutting - Deleting your Friendfeed account is equivalent … Jay Hathaway
Deleting your Friendfeed account is equivalent to 1/8 of an orgasm. I mean, so I hear.
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21:55
smartasshat - Mac Rumor: Steve isn't ill. He's taking time of… ʇɐɥs sɐ ʇɹɐɯs
Mac Rumor: Steve isn't ill. He's taking time off to invent the iPussy. In 5 months, geeks will be an evolutionary lame duck.
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21:57
CcSteff - @steelopus Did we just get twitter-married? Stephanie
@steelopus Did we just get twitter-married?
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21:58
kevinrose - the automatic bathroom air freshener just spray… Kevin Rose
the automatic bathroom air freshener just sprayed me in the side of the head while I was washing my hands. #fail
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21:58
badbanana - Attempting to look as macho as possible while e… Tim Siedell
Attempting to look as macho as possible while eating a blackberry Yoplait lowfat yogurt.
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22:00
GorillaSushi - Wife to be out late, asked that I not watch LOS… Jason Phillips
Wife to be out late, asked that I not watch LOST without her. Do I NOT watch or do I watch then practice my "this-is-new-TV-to-me face"?
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22:01
thedayhascome - It just doesn't feel right to leave work for th… Josh Hopkins
It just doesn't feel right to leave work for the last time and not be escorted by security.
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22:01
KerryM - turned on the tv so I could make homemade babyf… Kerry Murphy
turned on the tv so I could make homemade babyfood. Because an ounce of love requires a pound of neglect these days.
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22:07
zdarsky - I want underwear that says THERE'S A LOT RIDING… zdarsky
I want underwear that says THERE'S A LOT RIDING ON THIS.
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22:11
nonlinearmind - They found the engine to the plane that crashed… Jon C
They found the engine to the plane that crashed last week. Survivors, of course, remain scattered all over the country.
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22:12
twoname - Whenever I tweet/txt in all caps, just read it … two name jenkins
Whenever I tweet/txt in all caps, just read it with the voice of Charlie from always sunny when he gets excited. It'll make sense.
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22:14
phillygirl - Work got me an ergonomic keyboard! And all it t… phillygirl
Work got me an ergonomic keyboard! And all it took was multiple doctor visits to clinically document my debilitating pain& loss of movement!
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22:16
abigvictory - Someone out there has a anatomically correct vo… Michele
Someone out there has a anatomically correct voodoo doll of me and every month they shove a tampon up my vagina, crooked.
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22:20
apelad - A friend brought up the subject of twitter and … Adam Koford
A friend brought up the subject of twitter and asked if I follow "hotdogsalad".
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22:20
zeldman - The source of my unhappiness is the gap between… Jeffrey Zeldman
The source of my unhappiness is the gap between what is and what I want. Serenity lies in accepting what is, even when what is is wrong.
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22:20
sloganeerist - Tell Facebook I'm in a meeting. Forever. JT Dobbs
Tell Facebook I'm in a meeting. Forever.
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22:32
sniffyjenkins - No I don't want to meet Craig. I don't care how… Justine Kilkerr
No I don't want to meet Craig. I don't care how big his 'list' is.
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22:34
pheend - Seems obvious that the way to defeat Islamic te… pheend
Seems obvious that the way to defeat Islamic terrorism is to ensure that no virgins go to Heaven.
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22:35
eoporto - if anyone needs help creating a huge problem ou… Elizabeth Oporto
if anyone needs help creating a huge problem out of nothing, i'm here to help.
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22:37
sween - Never could do the whole fingers-in-the-mouth w… Jason Sweeney
Never could do the whole fingers-in-the-mouth whistle. Probably why panicky mobs never shut up for me in 70s disaster movies.
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22:44
lonelysandwich - Alright, who the fuck put mirrors in this McDon… Adam Lisagor
Alright, who the fuck put mirrors in this McDonald's?
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22:47
hoosiergirl - No lady, I'm not drunk. I'm driving with my kn… hoosiergirl
No lady, I'm not drunk. I'm driving with my knees because I need one hand on the heater and one hand on my ice cream. Duh.
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23:01
dbecher - It really saddens me how many of my decisions o… David Becher
It really saddens me how many of my decisions on where to sit in class are based on wanting to be near the attractive people.
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23:02
detweiler - How do I like my eggs? Microwaved. Because I do… Detweiler, Brian
How do I like my eggs? Microwaved. Because I don't own real kitchenware.
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23:02
danielpunkass - Tim Cook's first public statement after taking … Daniel Jalkut
Tim Cook's first public statement after taking over as acting CEO will be made from the top of a gigantic pile of money.
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23:05
tikilala - the boy was an ascetic jew on a bicycle, seemed… Lala
the boy was an ascetic jew on a bicycle, seemed sweet and innocent. asked for a hug, and grabbed a boob. then went in for a kiss, i ducked.
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23:08
EffingBoring - When I'm gone, I hope that people say of me "..… Rachel
When I'm gone, I hope that people say of me "...did that girl in the frilly skirt just totally rip ass?"
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23:12
emilyelisabeth - New nail polish warns that it's flammable so pl… Elisabeth
New nail polish warns that it's flammable so please don't set my hands on fire.
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23:13
Jessabelle2o7 - I'm so excited about the LOST season premiere t… Jessica
I'm so excited about the LOST season premiere that I accidentally pistol-whipped a Jehovah's Witness and locked him in my bomb shelter.
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23:14
zeldman - Client who saves $5,000 buying cut-rate non-sem… Jeffrey Zeldman
Client who saves $5,000 buying cut-rate non-semantic HTML will later spend $25,000 on SEO consultant to compensate.
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23:16
Ihnatko - Me am clever writer #1. Me finish column, send … Andy Ihnatko
Me am clever writer #1. Me finish column, send to editor, leave office. Attach last week's column to email, not today's. Me am win Pulitzer!
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23:16
AprilSTL - Girl handing me flyer : Hey, Vagina Monologues … AprilSTL
Girl handing me flyer : Hey, Vagina Monologues auditions. Me: My sister's vagina is already famous. That's enough for one family.
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23:23
indefensible - So. Are we disillusioned yet? Indefensible
So. Are we disillusioned yet?
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23:25
tj - The Elbow Room offers "Whooha" on the menu for … Tj
The Elbow Room offers "Whooha" on the menu for $18.
Correction: I'm being told that it's "Wahoo". I was right though, it *is* a fish.
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23:26
johnroderick - Dreamt I was flying through space like the Silv… johnroderick
Dreamt I was flying through space like the Silver Surfer, except my surfboard looked like a breadstick and I was clinging like a chimp baby.
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23:29
baileygenine - Q: what's more annoying than your fingers turni… bailey
Q: what's more annoying than your fingers turning black from newspaper ink?
A: not knowing you gave yourself a mustache with newspaper ink.
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23:33
awryone - The confirmation hearing is over!
Hillary Rodha… Josh Donoghue
The confirmation hearing is over!
Hillary Rodham Clinton has been confirmed a lesbian.
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23:37
sloganeerist - Just re-tagged Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street" … JT Dobbs
Just re-tagged Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street" from Rock to Rock/Pop. I feel like a tiny, culturally irrelevant weight has been lifted.
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23:40
ronbailey - Yes officer, there IS a good reason why my car … ronbailey
Yes officer, there IS a good reason why my car is littered with empty RX bottles... unfortunately, I'll need a few minutes to think one up..
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23:40
cleversimon - My eyes still sting a bit every time I read “… Simon Crowley
My eyes still sting a bit every time I read “U.S. President Barack Obama.” Fuck yeah.
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23:41
pheend - Of course you look fat in that fat. pheend
Of course you look fat in that fat.
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23:41
eoporto - I just tried to show you all the sweet snow whi… Elizabeth Oporto
I just tried to show you all the sweet snow white mug my sister just bought me. But my phone decided I should maybe have some dignity.
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23:46
AinsleyofAttack - Get Your Smokey On is the new US Forest Service… Ainsley Drew
Get Your Smokey On is the new US Forest Service slogan that unites dated youth jargon and fire prevention. Only you can prevent being whack.
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23:50
Mike_FTW - Thirty years later the phrase "Oh goddess Isis!… Rear Adm. Monteiro
Thirty years later the phrase "Oh goddess Isis!" still makes me reflexively reach into the sock drawer.
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23:50
MamitaMojita - On the way to Panera. 11 just announced that sh… KC
On the way to Panera. 11 just announced that should we happen upon any dead bodies on our way, she now knows how to check for "woundeds."
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23:53
badbanana - Petroleum is so cheap right now I'm going to st… Tim Siedell
Petroleum is so cheap right now I'm going to start manufacturing my own tires in the basement.
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23:57
gruber - Non-portable computers are becoming a niche. John Gruber
Non-portable computers are becoming a niche.
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23:58
mikemorrow - Comedian coworkers: if I never, ever wear a sui… mikemorrow
Comedian coworkers: if I never, ever wear a suit to work, & one day wear a BLACK suit: maybe I'm attending a funeral, not a job interview.
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00:02
thelordyourgod - IT'S HIS PARTY AND THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL MAKE … the lord your god
IT'S HIS PARTY AND THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL MAKE YOU CRY IF HE WANTS TO / CRY IF HE WANTS TO
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00:04
clapifyoulikeme - Fundies invited me to Facebook event. I decline… Abby Spice
Fundies invited me to Facebook event. I declined, wrote on the wall why that was rude. Got death threat. Wrote about that. My posts deleted.
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00:35
Mike_FTW - So this is how it's gonna go down. In a few min… Rear Adm. Monteiro
So this is how it's gonna go down. In a few minutes I'm gonna post a link. And y'all are gonna CLICK on it! And you'll get CANDY!! Got it?
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00:39
Moltz - I'm not going to name any names, but you should… John Moltz
I'm not going to name any names, but you shouldn't go making fun of goatees when all the full beard you can grow is only around your mouth.
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00:41
TBMimsTheThird - I hate it when I accidentally bump into work an… Tappy McGee
I hate it when I accidentally bump into work and it spills work into my work.
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00:44
leftbrainstupid - Remember when getting a night job was a euphemi… leftbrainstupid
Remember when getting a night job was a euphemism and not something you did to make the house payment.
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00:47
SeoulBrother - My dental hygenist kept shoving his tits in my … SeoulBrother
My dental hygenist kept shoving his tits in my face. The Enya vibe was really strong so I just went with it. Hey, free water pic, ya know.
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00:48
luckyshirt - I wonder how many hair salons have piles of Hig… luckyshirt
I wonder how many hair salons have piles of Highlights magazines which were ordered by someone who thought it was a trade publication.
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01:02
kayhan - I just made pizza bagels for the kids for the f… kayhan
I just made pizza bagels for the kids for the first time. They now worship me as a god.
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01:04
mayjah - The baby is ingesting a board book and whacking… Melissa
The baby is ingesting a board book and whacking me with a funnel. Yep, just living the dream.
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01:06
sniffyjenkins - Tomorrow? I'll be handing out free tips on how … Justine Kilkerr
Tomorrow? I'll be handing out free tips on how best to make a mountain out of a molehill. You'd be a fool to miss it.
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01:07
sween - Oh god. OH GOD! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS Y… Jason Sweeney
Oh god. OH GOD! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
I gotta remember to empty my gym bag.
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01:08
ivegotzooms - Someone's cell phone is receiving a call inside… ivegotzooms
Someone's cell phone is receiving a call inside this gym locker, or there's a new and exciting exercise class I need to sign up for.
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01:11
SenorDiscount - Some semblance of satisfaction can be derived f… SenorDiscount
Some semblance of satisfaction can be derived from farting out a few notes reminiscent of Chuck Mangione when taking a piss.
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01:15
Xytrex - I have 2 brothers. We each have 2 prominent tra… Jamie Hussein Sloan
I have 2 brothers. We each have 2 prominent traits. Youngest is brilliant/musical, middle witty/creative. I'd hit things, usually them.
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01:17
bsheepies - It takes a village to tend a diabetic cat. kate
It takes a village to tend a diabetic cat.
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01:19
phillygirl - "But they have handles!" I retort. Self-interve… phillygirl
"But they have handles!" I retort. Self-intervention regarding my ever-growing paper bag stash is not going well.
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01:21
thedayhascome - If you were to harness my raw sexual energy, yo… Josh Hopkins
If you were to harness my raw sexual energy, you could probably power a hamster wheel or possibly a small non-electric Barbie house.
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01:22
DolciSogni - I just ate a PB candy. Yup. I'm dangerous like … DolciSogni
I just ate a PB candy. Yup. I'm dangerous like that... SALMONELLA is my middle name. I mean, DANGER is my various nut butters. Dammit, what?
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01:24
mantia - Barack Obama was sworn in on the same bible tha… Louie Mantia
Barack Obama was sworn in on the same bible that Abraham Lincoln used, as opposed to Joe Biden, who was sworn in on the Hogwarts Spellbook.
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01:25
cleversimon - That my girlfriend would make me sleep on the c… Simon Crowley
That my girlfriend would make me sleep on the couch for using a tacky drop shadow is actually one of the most awesome things about her.
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01:32
texburgher - I need help with something I'm writing. What rh… Geoff Barnes
I need help with something I'm writing. What rhymes with, "crappy poet?"
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01:33
expat_erin - I think I'll take a new avatar photo tonight af… Erin
I think I'll take a new avatar photo tonight after I gets mah hair did. Yes, this is something I wasted a thought on.
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01:35
twoname - OMG @CCSTEFF JUST TOUCHED MY BEARD two name jenkins
OMG @CCSTEFF JUST TOUCHED MY BEARD
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01:36
indefensible - Caroline Kennedy is 'no longer interested' in t… Indefensible
Caroline Kennedy is 'no longer interested' in the Senate seat like I am 'no longer interested' in 5 chicks at the same time.
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01:43
philgs - @bigrballsthanu You're a class act. But then, I… phil.gs
@bigrballsthanu You're a class act. But then, I'm not sure what I expected from the Fart Queen of Rhode Island.
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01:47
pheend - I like my women like I like my penis.
Manhandle… pheend
I like my women like I like my penis.
Manhandled.
Wait, no...
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02:00
DieLaughing - I'm just tired because I stayed up all last nig… J. Adam Moore
I'm just tired because I stayed up all last night to prank call Obama at 3am. Hillary answered and asked to take a message. Damn she's good!
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02:04
joeschmitt - Breaking news: Obama just retook the oath of of… Joe Schmitt
Breaking news: Obama just retook the oath of office. America's OCD population can now unclench. You know who you are. #inaug09
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02:06
weselec - @Xytrex your name sounds like allergy medicine … weselec
@Xytrex your name sounds like allergy medicine and you're lousy in the sack.
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02:20
MsHiss - Flipping back and forth between Lost and Ghost … Nicole
Flipping back and forth between Lost and Ghost Hunters. I'm confused. And a little scared.
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02:21
MODAT - Obama's second oath doesn't count either....he … Modat
Obama's second oath doesn't count either....he had his fingers crossed behind his back.
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02:21
pheend - I use Google Street View to pre-screen hookers. pheend
I use Google Street View to pre-screen hookers.
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02:23
gruber - Impeach Roberts. John Gruber
Impeach Roberts.
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02:24
emmets - Ugh after all of this exercise I might just "Pu… Emmet
Ugh after all of this exercise I might just "Pull a Dick."
You know, a Dick Cheney? Sit in a wheelchair? Why, what were you thinking?
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02:30
franktheguy - You mean these black jeans don't come with a fr… franktheguy
You mean these black jeans don't come with a free wolf tshirt!? What kind of place is this!?
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02:32
ckwinny - I lost the straw to my box of milk, so now I'm … ckwinny
I lost the straw to my box of milk, so now I'm nursing it.
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02:32
BrilliantOrange - Yawn. We haven't landed yet? Why is everything … C.m. Velazquez
Yawn. We haven't landed yet? Why is everything wet? Where is everyone? Where the fuck are we? God, I hate US Airways.
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02:37
twoname - OMG OMG PASSENGERS ARE ALLOWED TO DRINK IN THE … two name jenkins
OMG OMG PASSENGERS ARE ALLOWED TO DRINK IN THE CAR IN VIRGINIA
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02:39
melodik - Drowning my bobbled parenting in Redi-Whip stra… Really?
Drowning my bobbled parenting in Redi-Whip straight from the can.
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02:39
crispycracka - I need to stop reading Twitter in class. I just… crispycracka
I need to stop reading Twitter in class. I just spit out a blow job joke in response to something my professor said without thinking twice.
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02:39
bnlandry - I am so mad at my girlfriend for being mad at m… Byron Landry
I am so mad at my girlfriend for being mad at me for being an asshole right now that I'm gonna be a total asshole to my girlfriend about it.
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02:40
crispycracka - Also- I just unintentionally said "spit out" an… crispycracka
Also- I just unintentionally said "spit out" and "blow job" in the same tweet. DAMN YOU PEOPLE! I am corrupted.
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02:41
texburgher - I have a stomach-turning suspicion that the Bus… Geoff Barnes
I have a stomach-turning suspicion that the Bush presidency will come to have been for us what World War 1 was to the Dadaists.
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02:42
adamisacson - Parent: (n.) One who can name all 5 Backyardiga… Adam Isacson
Parent: (n.) One who can name all 5 Backyardigans & all 3 WonderPets while thinking "Lost" is the one where they vote people off the island.
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02:44
mrsmoltz - I NEED THIS PEANUT BUTTER BULLSHIT TO END!!!! Karen Moltz
I NEED THIS PEANUT BUTTER BULLSHIT TO END!!!!
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02:56
thedayhascome - @crispycracka Welcome to the Group of Unintenti… Josh Hopkins
@crispycracka Welcome to the Group of Unintentional Puns. Here's your name tag. Restrooms are down the hall. The cookies and punch are free.
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02:58
EffingBoring - My only crime was raping too much. Rachel
My only crime was raping too much.
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03:55
KuraFire - I really feel sorry for the people in LOST. The… Faruk Ates
I really feel sorry for the people in LOST. They still have four more years of Bush to deal with.
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czwartek 22 stycznia

aktywność użytkownika
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04:00
sween - Hope there are no Lost spoilers out there. If s… Jason Sweeney
Hope there are no Lost spoilers out there. If so, I'll have to get the wooden spoon. And believe me, it will hurt you more than it hurts me.
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04:03
badbanana - Watching Lost. The only parts I understand are … Tim Siedell
Watching Lost. The only parts I understand are the commercials.
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04:03
EffingBoring - POTUSILF Rachel
POTUSILF
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04:04
frageelay - LOST SPOILER ALERT: GILLIGAN DIES! (decapitation) frageelay
LOST SPOILER ALERT: GILLIGAN DIES! (decapitation)
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04:04
phyllisstein - That dude from Lost is the fifth Cyclops.
What? Daniel Shannon
That dude from Lost is the fifth Cyclops.
What?
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04:07
vmarinelli - If I'm ever on a trivia show where the topic of… Victoria Marinelli
If I'm ever on a trivia show where the topic of questions is "obscure information about @twoname's anus" I am totally taking home 1st prize.
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04:08
Moltz - SCHEDULING NOTE: Tonight I'll be live tweeting … John Moltz
SCHEDULING NOTE: Tonight I'll be live tweeting me not watching L O S T. Make sure to follow me for frequent updates unrelated to L O S T!
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04:09
jimray - Guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS! PLEASE. Some of u… Jim Ray
Guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS! PLEASE. Some of us haven't even had a chance to torrent the east coast feed of LOST yet. Seriously, come on.
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04:10
DieLaughing - I can't wait to travel to Europe so I can play … J. Adam Moore
I can't wait to travel to Europe so I can play the Black President card.
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04:13
Moltz - @jimray If I ever programmed a bittorrent clien… John Moltz
@jimray If I ever programmed a bittorrent client I'd call it "Danny Isn't Here, Mrs. Torrents."
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04:17
abigvictory - FYI, if you hurt @benmarivn's feelings by block… Michele
FYI, if you hurt @benmarivn's feelings by blocking him because he's a douche, he'll use a bot to prove his douchiness. It's almost amusing.
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04:19
sween - Secret Reason to Get Married #54 "Wife" is 6… Jason Sweeney
Secret Reason to Get Married #54 "Wife" is 6 characters less than "girlfriend".
Which is 3 less than "Optimus Prime".
Start dating.
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04:19
abigvictory - "Stop saying UNICORNS! It's LEPRECHAUNS!" "Doe… Michele
"Stop saying UNICORNS! It's LEPRECHAUNS!" "Does it make a difference which mock me with?"
"Yes. Unicorns know nothing about technology!"
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04:22
jimray - @gruber "Jack Torrents: because all work and no… Jim Ray
@gruber "Jack Torrents: because all work and no play makes for a dull computer"
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04:22
phyllisstein - "I got my pen stuck in my lighter! Oh, it comes… Daniel Shannon
"I got my pen stuck in my lighter! Oh, it comes out." My roommate, the hill person.
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04:27
abigvictory - Don't berate the goalie for not hustling when y… Michele
Don't berate the goalie for not hustling when you're having trouble getting the hot dog your mouth because your chins are in the way.
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04:29
antichrista - @jimray It's off topic, but "no work and no pla… antichrista
@jimray It's off topic, but "no work and no play makes for a Dell computer." Or so I've heard.
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04:35
rands - Most task tracking systems are like psychotic e… rands
Most task tracking systems are like psychotic ex-girlfriends. Fun to acquire, hard to manage, and never spoken of once they're gone.
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04:45
badbanana - Three's Company never expected me to do homewor… Tim Siedell
Three's Company never expected me to do homework. #Lost
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04:45
DieLaughing - I'm getting the strange feeling that something … J. Adam Moore
I'm getting the strange feeling that something might be on TV tonight. I wish I could find my TV Guide. It's lost.
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04:47
Yayaa - SPOILER ALERT: Turns out HURLEY ate the island.… Yaya
SPOILER ALERT: Turns out HURLEY ate the island...yes, in its entirety.
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04:55
jcreter - Sure I'm sweaty and half-blind but could Access… Josh Creter
Sure I'm sweaty and half-blind but could Access Hollywood really be doing a piece about David Beckham and Tom Cruise eating tea cakes? Sure.
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04:57
abigvictory - Spoiler alert: LOST is really a religious metap… Michele
Spoiler alert: LOST is really a religious metaphor. In the last episode, everyone finds Jesus.
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